Crack formation observed across diverse fields like geology, nanotechnology, arts, structural engineering or surface science, is a chaotic and undesirable phenomenon, resulting in random patterns of cracks generally leading to material failure. Limiting the formation of cracks or “programming” the path of cracks is a great technological challenge since it holds promise to enhance material durability or even to develop low cost patterning methods. Drawing inspiration from negative phototropism in plants, we demonstrate the capability to organize, guide, replicate, or arrest crack propagation in colloidal films through remote light manipulation. The key consists in using plasmonic photothermal absorbers to generate “virtual” defects enabling controlled deviation of cracks. We engineer a dip-coating process coupled with selective light irradiation enabling simultaneous deposition and light-directed crack patterning. This approach represents a rare example of a robust self-assembly process with long-range order that can be programmed in both space and time.